I’m Too Tired for Art and I Don’t Have Time

This is a terrible excuse. Still, I make it constantly. Pretty much every day.

When I’m at home, I think about work (regular 8 to 5 work), and when I’m at work, I think about how much I’d like to be at home, making art.

I will never paint the paintings I want to or write the words I want to if I continue this. The problem isn’t so much that I’m actually too tired to do anything, I’m just avoiding doing my creative work in favor of giving into my neurotic tendencies. I need to be present.

Right now it’s 5:30AM and I don’t have to start getting ready for work until 7. Instead of worrying about the fact that I have to learn something new at work today and I don’t really feel like it, I’m writing this blog post. And I’m going to publish it right after I finish writing it, without editing it 10 times. *gasp*

Instead of analyzing my every word and action when I come home, I intend to start a new painting, the third in a series I’d really like to get done.

I slack off when it comes to this blog, my writing, my painting, but you know what I don’t slack off for? What I show up for every day, on time, and work hard at? My job, which I don’t really like and don’t intend to do for a very long time.

I guess that’s because other people are depending on me to do what I need to at work. But future me is depending on me to do my creative work. Isn’t my future more important than what a bunch of strangers are expecting me to do today? Not to mention I’m highly replaceable at my job, but nobody can do my creative work exactly like I can.

The point of saying all this, I suppose, is to encourage myself, and anybody reading, to put more mental energy into your art than into your day to day grind. I’m not saying do a bad job at work, actually, I think being less hyper-vigilant about my job might actually allow me to calm down and perform better.

Long term, the art is what matters.