I’ve been gone (again), because I applied for another job I really wanted (again), had a good interview (again), and got rejected (again).
Why do I stop writing when I’m stressed?! Why do I stop doing the one thing that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something worthwhile?
Even though I’ve stopped writing for my novel and this blog the past month, I never stop writing journal entries.
The night before I got rejected this time, I was waiting anxiously and I just…got sick of it. I was angry that I had been wasting so much time sitting around, worried about people who don’t know me deciding my fate.
This is what I wrote in my journal:
I’m sitting here, having kinda wasted a month being worried about job applications and the results of interviews, and I’m sick of it. I don’t want every little stressor to upend my life.
I’m letting the decisions of people who don’t know me consume my thoughts. I’m forsaking the things I can control to have anxiety about the things I can’t.
Things I can’t control:
- What other people think about me
- Other people’s decisions
- Other people’s emotions
- Whether I get arbitrarily chosen for something or not
Things I can control:
- What I eat
- What I spend most of my days doing
- What I focus on
- The state of myself and my living environment
So, I took one day to wallow in self pity, which was yesterday. From now on, I’m going to follow my own advice. The things I can’t control shouldn’t be at the forefront of my mind, taking over my life.
K. J. Cole 